I found my wedding rings over the weekend after they’ve been missing for almost three years. I thought they were stolen because I couldn’t remember “losing” them, but I guess they were placed in a box for safe keeping but whomever placed it in the box didn’t tell me and they’ve been in that box for a long, long time. Good thing we didn’t throw the box out…or is it?
The reason we didn’t turn the house upside down once we realized the rings were missing is in part because hubby lost his so there was little that he could say to me at that time and also because we were probably going through marital problems at that time (but then again, when aren’t we?).
So, now the rings have re-surfaced and I haven’t put them back on. We’re once again in martial purgatory. Just two nights ago we had that talk again… (we seem to have it every year). We had a civil and rational conversation about what’s not working and what we’re going to do about it. These conversations can be very difficult, hurtful and emotional because we end up bringing up lots of hurtful issues from the past and inevitably we end up pointing figures at each other.
Although we’ve been married seven years, the issues haven’t changed – respect for family, expectations and appreciation – to name a few. However, for the first time hubby shared with me some issues of resentment that he’s been holding on to for more than seven years now. Since we seem to have this talk at least twice a year I thought I had heard and said everything, so I was surprised by his revelation. All I could do was listen and digest it all; I was speechless.
For the first time in a long time I had to reflect on my role in this fragile marriage. I had become so accustomed telling him what he hadn’t done or hadn’t done right, that I never thought that there was anything that he could ever say that made sense to me about my role or lack thereof.
In my mind, there is no way that I could have possibly played a role in creating a volatile environment. My perspective of a failing relationship always comes down to fidelity. All my family images were of failing relationships which were rooted in infidelity. Despite my smarts, I figured all I had to do was “show up” and be faithful.
His revelation hit me hard because it had nothing to do with fidelity, but all about appreciation, hard work and expectations. I’ve been pondering his words for a few days now and I totally get it. I get why he’s been resentful and I get why he’s hurt.
Of course, this doesn’t solve our marriage, but my understanding of this issue is a breakthrough for us – at least if we ever talk to each other again.