My weddings rings have magically reappeared
I found my wedding rings over the weekend after they’ve been missing for almost three years. I thought they were stolen because I couldn’t remember “losing” them, but I guess they were placed in a box for safe keeping but whomever placed it in the box didn’t tell me and they’ve been in that box for a long, long time. Good thing we didn’t throw the box out…or is it?
The reason we didn’t turn the house upside down once we realized the rings were missing is in part because hubby lost his so there was little that he could say to me at that time and also because we were probably going through marital problems at that time (but then again, when aren’t we?).
So, now the rings have re-surfaced and I haven’t put them back on. We’re once again in martial purgatory. Just two nights ago we had that talk again… (we seem to have it every year). We had a civil and rational conversation about what’s not working and what we’re going to do about it. These conversations can be very difficult, hurtful and emotional because we end up bringing up lots of hurtful issues from the past and inevitably we end up pointing figures at each other.
Although we’ve been married seven years, the issues haven’t changed – respect for family, expectations and appreciation – to name a few. However, for the first time hubby shared with me some issues of resentment that he’s been holding on to for more than seven years now. Since we seem to have this talk at least twice a year I thought I had heard and said everything, so I was surprised by his revelation. All I could do was listen and digest it all; I was speechless.
For the first time in a long time I had to reflect on my role in this fragile marriage. I had become so accustomed telling him what he hadn’t done or hadn’t done right, that I never thought that there was anything that he could ever say that made sense to me about my role or lack thereof.
In my mind, there is no way that I could have possibly played a role in creating a volatile environment. My perspective of a failing relationship always comes down to fidelity. All my family images were of failing relationships which were rooted in infidelity. Despite my smarts, I figured all I had to do was “show up” and be faithful.
His revelation hit me hard because it had nothing to do with fidelity, but all about appreciation, hard work and expectations. I’ve been pondering his words for a few days now and I totally get it. I get why he’s been resentful and I get why he’s hurt.
Of course, this doesn’t solve our marriage, but my understanding of this issue is a breakthrough for us – at least if we ever talk to each other again.
10.26.10 at 8:13 am
K. Rock comments:
Wow. This is quite a post. Introspection is not an easy thing. And even though your husband gave you a little push toward it, it can still be a rather tough pill to swallow. It is a HUGE deal that you guys were even able to sit down together and talk about it like adults. I wish you two good luck.
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10.26.10 at 9:48 am
Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama
Twitter: TechSavvyMama
comments:
Whoever said that marriage was easy probably wasn’t married! Like a baby, it needs constant care and attention and there are so many elements of a healthy marriage. I think it’s great that you are able to talk about things to hear each other’s perspectives. Best of luck as you work through your issues!
Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama´s last post: Put LeapFrog Tags in Teacher Hands and Win for Your Family & School!
10.26.10 at 11:09 am
YUMMommy
Twitter: yummommies
comments:
Great post!!! I think that it’s great that you guys are able to sit down and communicate openly with each other about what’s working and what’s not working in your marriage. Communication and money are two of the number one causes for divorce and it seems that you two are trying hard to keep the lines of communication open.
In my personal opinion, I think that although you are upset and probably hurt by some of the things said and revealed in your conversation, you should still put your rings on. It would show even more how committed you are to your marriage and to your husband. I used to punish my hubby by not wearing my engagement ring whenever we got into a bad fuss and it wasn’t until I had our daughter that he revealed how hurt he felt when I didn’t wear my ring to purposefully get back at him. He said that it made him feel like I wasn’t really dedicated to our relationship .
So, I hope that you will just consider this and try to be the bigger person and end your silence. It’ll get harder to be open with each other if the results are always going to be negative. Remember that communication is suppose to bring about positive change. I wish you guys the best.
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10.26.10 at 5:26 pm
Krystal Grant comments:
THANK GOD FOR COMMUNICATION. Don’t you hate it when you realize you’re not perfect? At least for me it was a big blow to my ego to realize that I sometimes cause other people’s hurt, harm and resentment. Well, maybe this is the first step….understanding each other’s feelings. Keep talking and listening to one another..and maybe try to put those rings back on…just to see how they feel. :)
10.26.10 at 9:59 pm
Justice Ny
Twitter: JusticeNy
comments:
Thanks guys for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. Still haven’t put the rings back on…
10.26.10 at 11:15 pm
heaven comments:
Wow… How raw and honest was this?? This took courage and u have to admire that…
I remember the days when me and the hubs used to go weeks without talking to each other… and then i realized that it took so much effort to ignore him and hold that “beef” with him… and while we ignored each other, I would think about the day when we finally spoke and all the valid points I would make about why I was right and he was an idiot… we still ignore each other when we are PO’d at each other… but now its more like a few hours and not weeks…
I hope and pray that things get better and you guys can just TALK… and keep talking until u guys figure it out… Much luck to u…
10.27.10 at 2:38 pm
MrsTDJ comments:
Thank you for sharing and being so honest! Talking without saying enough is a huge problem. Nope, none of us are perfect and it’s tough to hear. But ultimately, it should bring you two closer. All the best!
MrsTDJ´s last post: If You Aint First Youre Last
10.29.10 at 8:58 am
Jonez comments:
Powerful post. I appreciate the courage you took to share this for all the world to see.
One of my married friends is going through a similar dilemma and she mentioned a book called “Love & Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs was instrumental to patching up her and her hubby’s strained relationship.
I hope everything works out for you & the hubby
10.29.10 at 6:53 pm
Kathy Sykes comments:
Loved that you shared this. Marriage is not easy and sometimes I think it is not natural. By that I mean, trying to merge two individual lives into one that makes PERFECT sense for both is difficult. I have been married for almost eight years and we have a “sit-down” discussion about twice a year also. This morning we had one of those discussions. Some progress was made and we we do “put it all on the table”, the burdens seem lighter. The problem comes from not being consistent and committed to what we discussed. We are in a better place than two years ago, and 5 year ago and I think that just comes with maturity and selflessness on both our parts. There are some things that are non-negotiable and those HAVE TO BE AGREED UPON! Lastly, pray..pray..pray for understanding of YOURSELF first. Then we’ll work on him:-)
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11.1.10 at 10:03 am
Angelica Perez
Twitter: newlatina
comments:
This is the type of conversation I believe we, women, should be having — so I thank you and congratulate you on your openness and honesty. I totally “get you” — your words and thoughts resonate with me. As strong women, sometimes we can be quite opinionated and self-focused, at the expense of not seeing clearly how other people feel or think — especially our spouses. And yes, it is easy to believe that only something big like infidelity is the only sign of marital failure. But, like you said, the small and not so small everyday stuff adds up. We think that men have no feelings, or needs, but they are just like us in many ways — they just don’t express them like we do.
Please be kind (kind is a good word in marriage) and put on your rings. And, get pass the “hurtful past” — 99% of the time when we argue and say mean things to each other, it’s only “FIGHT TALK” — doesn’t mean a whole lot in the bigger spectrum of the relationship. We women have a memory for fight talk conversations, but we fail to see all the other things our spouses do and say that are truly admirable.
Last, but not least, believe in starting over. But not with your marriage per se. Start with YOURSELF. Figure out what you bring to the table (or the marriage — good and bad) and work on those things that can be improved (not just for the marriage, but really, for yoursel). Remember, behind a painful marriage, there is a person (or two) who has been in pain for a while — prior to the marriage – most likely.
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